Mistakes, Realization and Motivation.

 (Originally typed this on Life, I logged into Blogger and didn't realize I was on the account until I previewed my blog. So don't think I'm a thief or anything.)

Do you know what makes me feel pressured the most? No, of course you don't I didn't expect you to. Grades. Freaking grades. Yes, there's always something that I'm stressed about related to grades. Why? I flunked freakin' 2nd grade, I don't want to go back that same road again. 

 The thing is though, if I had not failed 2nd grade I would not be myself so.. Let me explain to you how I was before my second year in second grade, and what happened.

During my first year in second grade, I was not.. exactly wise with my decisions. I didn't really.. care about anything or anyone. 

I didn't care when I pushed my childhood friend to the fence. I didn't do homework at all, I remember using my white board to cover up my homework while I was writing some answers quickly-- until my teacher caught me and well.. "crap." was my thought. Yeah, no I wasn't the best student or friend. Actually to describe how I really felt, I felt like a major bad ass. I thought I knew everything at such a young age, but in all honesty I didn't know two shits. 

One day after school my father and my teacher both had a conference. I didn't know what it was, all I did was put on headphones while working on a school program. Secretly though, while I was doing the problems-- I listened intently.

After the conference and I said my goodbye, my father walked me out of the school and informed me that I failed second grade. When my mum found out, I thought her reaction would be furious.
Instead they just shook their heads in disappointment, and my brother's reaction is a mystery to me still. Maybe he looked down on me too.

I remember crying when I got home. I wondered if I'd ever see my friends from second grade again, and I did. They were just in third grade while I was in second.. again. I was so envious, so frustrated with myself. Every year it would be the same, all the way to high school.
I used to have a really good guy friend during second grade (first year), and when I was near him during middle school I thought that he hadn't noticed me. I've changed a lot appearance wise since second grade. I recalled thinking of a way to walk up to him and ask if he remembered me, but I never had the guts so I gave up. It was kind of hopeless and worthless. He had better friends.


While I was in my second year in second year, I loved my teacher. She was so sweet and caring, taught me from wrong to right-- comforted me when a boy in my class saw a mini little diary I had and I wrote "I like __" then told the boy I liked. "Well sweetheart it was your fault for leaving such thing out in the open like that, next time be careful. Okay?" I nodded my head in shame and continued on with my day.


I passed by one of my ex-friends during my first year in second grade. We both loved tuna sandwiches, just putting that out there. I knew she remembered me, but she still passed by with her lunch. No hi, how've you been, what happened to you.. nothing. Just like another stranger.


Everyone from second grade was like that. I was a stranger to them. Almost like I created a sin at church and all the people of the church looked down on me. Every year after second grade, I would pray that I will pass second grade. Then third grade. Fourth grade.. this is how I got my motivation. By striving to be higher. Always to be first. That's how I liked it. 


In elementary school I was marked as the most improved one in my class and when I was in fifth grade, my second grade classmates were in middle school.. they were gone for a year. I was so lost and infatuated with my work that I just didn't care anymore, and they could be going on with their life for all I cared. I really didn't care anymore, especially with their behavior towards me.


I realized that friends come and go, and the way you can motivate yourself is by learning from your mistake. My mistake was failing, and I realized that grades were my main priority next to my friends and family. Failure is embarrassing, frustrating, hurtful. I just did not want to talk to anyone about it.


In middle school, all year I had straight A's. My friends would console me whenever I was depressed getting a bad grade on an assignment. Basically, the mistakes you do you should learn from and not repeat them again. If I were to fail second grade, I would be degrading myself now. I wouldn't be who I am today. Mistakes give you wake up calls, realization and motivation is what makes life go on. 


If you don't listen to your conscious, what will happen to you? why are you not paying attention to the voices in the back of your mind? Where will you end up? Do you want to be living off the streets, unaware of the world around you?