What do I believe in?

So I was at church earlier this morning. I got back about 10 minutes ago, and I can't help but wonder.. It just doesn't feel right going to church. I don't feel.. confident, or faithful in my Lord.

 I go to an Indian church ('cause..I am Indian.) I know they speak an ancient form of the Indian language I use, so I don't understand majority of it- -which I should since I've been going to the same church since I was 10. However I don't attend church a lot, so I would've been accustomed to it by not which I'm not. One of the aunties there did a speech, and there were some lines where I just dropped my eyes slowly to the ground... 

There were also the other half where I just went, "What the hell is she talking about?"
One of those lines that made me avert my eyes instead went somewhat like this. "If you do not believe in God's Resurrection you will not perish after you die, you will not live forever.." .

With all do respect for other believers, I strongly apologize except this is my belief and I truly believe that no one has the right to say if there's a hell, a heaven or that we will not have an afterlife if we don't believe in something particularly. I just think that.. I need proof in order for me to believe in something or an idea.


I do believe the fact that Jesus was alive once, and he had made history etc. Buut.. I don't want to believe that there's a hell awaiting for me because I don't fully have potential in my religion(Christianity.), or a heaven because I had 100% faith in Him(Which is impossible for me because I've lost my hope and faith in Him for a long time now.)

So that's another reason why I don't have my absolute faith in God. I guess that makes me a very bad Christian, nor will I ever tell my family this because they'd kiiiiill me, yo.



I personally, if I had to choose-- I'd rather believe in Gods/Goddesses.. however even then I still would not like to believe in anything and just live my life freely.
People at a young age, even at my age, think this.. I think it's rather common and possibly within 10 years I can see myself being faithful to going to church, praying every so often and being a good christian.

However.. maybe being born with your religion shouldn't be accurate, and just because I was born as a Christian doesn't give me the right to believe in anything I desire to, or want to.

As much as I want to believe in Christ, I can't bring myself or have enough confidence to say that I would/will believe in Him. It's just..most religions are so complicated, and uptight. It's very difficult to me at least to full commit.

I still respect those who do believe in seperate things.

So there, I was just thinking this during my whole service in church. I wasn't actually paying attention while I was there, I was actually reading a book from Sarah Dessen.(AWESOME author.)

Heh.